^{Photoshoot courtesy of my brilliant and talented friend Ina Luna}

Yes, I have cancer. Stage II breast cancer, to be more specific. It’s one of the most common and treatable cancers out there, and I’m currently at an early stage, so I’m not worried about my chances of survival.

Still, I’m definitely not a fan of having cancer, no.

This was supposed to be the year I could finally come up for air: I started teaching full-time at a local university in Bacolod, and savings were finally starting to become less of a pipe dream and more of an ongoing action plan. Alas, that was not to be.

I am, of course, absolutely furious. It’s manifesting as a form of aggressive cheerfulness, but it’s definitely rage. I can feel the white-hot magma flow of that anger swirling underneath my skin. It’s… extremely life-affirming.

Financially, this definitely puts my husband and me in an extremely tight spot. We’ll find ways to make it work, because I’m not going to let myself simply waste away from this. I’m too fucking pissed off to. If I could tear into my tumor (whom I have named after Hamlet’s Horatio) with my teeth, I absolutely would.

But as it stands, adulting-wise, I’m very much at Square -5 (as opposed to Square 1), and I’m (angrily) no longer thinking about any financial goals farther into the future than the next chemo session. Prior to this, I was like, “oh, saving up for a little car would be nice!” and “I can start a small business (ice cream? microgreens? compost? all of the above???) using my savings as capital!” Hah. <<Horatio laughs>>

But anyway, anger.

It’s been intensely helpful. I know the state of the world: the systemic injustice of an inherently racist and sexist colonial system, the enormities of the multiple wars and genocides and mass displacements happening throughout the planet, the hateful ignorance and greed of people in power, etc. I’ve always been an angry person because of that, and it’s given me direction. But now I’m even angrier, and it’s given me clarity.

I’m far more committed to my boundaries now (which, to be fair, as a recovering People Pleaser, isn’t saying a lot), and things I had previously deemed “important” have revealed themselves to be less important than I had initially assessed.

(Car? Fffft who cares! “Adulting” is a colonial capitalist construct created to keep us too busy chasing milestones to see the inherent injustice in the system and work together to burn it all down and create something more just and deeply rooted!)

Which is to say that cancer is hot garbage, but the anger it brings is a gift.

And I will use it to survive. And if I can, I want to drag as many of us past survival and into peace, justice, and abundance as possible.